Watching the leaves turn to ash

It's a thing that I've been dying to gush for years.
I feel I speak for more than just myself.
This isn't about me.
It's about everyone who's not in the Form 4 Seafieldian clique.
It's about speaking for those who don't have voices.
Or are unable to use them.
Maybe I'm one of them without voices, only the nexus of society knows.

Have you ever had your birthday forgotten?
Sounds awful huh?
Well, we don't really mind, and that must sound hard, but it's not.
Because we know that life is complicated enough without memorizing random dates.
I don't mind people forgetting my birthday really.

Not everyone has/had a Facebook account for birthday reminding to work.
Heck, people forget despite the reminders.
Sometimes people simply don't care.

I look at how people sign off birthday cards for others and I wonder:
How come I don't get anything like that?
I BARELY GET 5 BIRTHDAY WISHES PER YEAR.
And well I don't expect much, except that people from Seafield remembered SK's birthday and not mine.
You're probably wondering what SK has got to do with this whole thing I'm bitching about.

Our birthdays fall on the same day.

I see people getting their dream products.
That cool guitar effect pedal, an iPod, an iPod touch, an mp3 player....
Really cool expensive stuff which a whole bunch of people contributed to to make possible.
Even I am wondering why I'm not envious of that.
They all get gifts.
You all get gifts.

Us, the ones that don't fit in much or not at all?

No.
We're not even given a mere memory.
And guess what?
We don't even care.
At least not anymore.

Dread

Looking at the calendar for next year alone daunts me, it almost terrifies me.
I hate the anticipation of many things, resenting more Sejarah, more Moral, sucking at more Physics and Add Math, etc etc.
People finding the fact that I don't study for exams weird....
I could get a PhD just knowing what to expect.

People all need money, question is where does money come from?
Money is abstract, it only exists because we agree that it does.
If one day everyone agreed that money is just paper,
What the hell are those things for?

It takes a long time for anyone to fathom emotions.
Are they really hormones?
Why does it take so long to just figure that out huh?

After thinking for a long time.
The only thing I need now to get anywhere in the world or do anything, the only damn thing missing from my life, is damn money.
Oh why couldn't I lack in something else instead of something so trivial yet so out of reach.

Not That I Didn't Try

Working tomorrow.
Hopefully not many people will be going to the clinic. Insurance forms are complicated.

Distressed today. Whole day was about food, had heavy breakfast, mum made me eat lunch (wan tan mee) which I didn't want, followed mother out for her tosai at 6pm, had to finish her veggies.
I feel nauseous when I'm full and people talk about food, prolly won't want dinner....

Feels like going out for excursions with people. Only no excursions are planned and I don't know how to plan one.
What you want to go Sunway? You actually gonna buy anything from the shops? Expensive food, expensive games, expensive time.
Summit, nothing much either.
Mamak? Anytime can go.
Houses? Parents allow?
Have party, got a good reason?
Go birthday parties, are you even invited?

Yea, and ppl call me anti-social, or say I'm anti-social so they don't invite me.
Here's the punch line.

I've never been invited to anything since Form 1 by class or school mates.
And you say I'm anti-social?

Music & Magic

Malcolm Ball.
Honestly the only examiner I have met who didn't make me nervous.
Salut.
I have a strange feeling I might get merit, or even distinction this time.
Not getting hopes up though.

Going to work on 3 coming Saturdays at Klinik Kok USJ4. I'm afraid of screwing something up, I can't deal with the medicine fast enough and my mother keeps saying my hand-writing is fugly so I keep fumbling with my pen. There are going to be some shitty f***kers who don't give a dam that the clinic is understaffed and are fricking impatient to be served.

Damn prodigies.
Damn patriotism.
Damn ungrateful rich bastards.
Damn the fricking idiots who make other people rich and complain their whole fricking lives about being poor.

I feel like going on a ranting rampage.
But why bother with the human race?

A postcard from the sea

As requested~
Very nicely done middle finger camera here.
Hey you!~
(Notice the two lovebirds behind, in a candid!)

Thought

This was what my work place looked like before the Yuk Chai joint concert. Probably will never look that way after Form 5.

Tze Jing caught in what seemed like a really good mood just now.
We both got kinda hyper with the capitals.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I feel like sharing stupid things.
Because you laugh, other people laugh, you laugh, other people laugh.


Thinking of ways to make money out of the little I have, stocks aren't legal yet, renting my books is unethical, charging for intellectual services is unethical...
I'd prefer earning the things I want.
Because I'd deserve them.

I'll share you a melody next time eh?

What do you see?

What is death?
Perhaps a frightening abyss of darkness and chaos.
Perhaps nothingness.
Perhaps 9 circles of hell you traverse to ultimate doom.

Maybe...

It's a land far across the sea, and in your dreams, this unknown wonder calls to your soul.
Everything is hued an uncanny, tranquil white, you glimpse the faraway sands, wondering what lay in the sanctum of the land, concealed behind a wood just thick enough to shield the treasures that lay beyond.

Death is just another journey in another land.
Or is what we call "life" the other land?

Maybe death isn't so bad after all.

Transitions

Wee Ren just told me about this book he read about 2012.
Some pretty interesting stuff about the 5th dimension.
And how only the humans who adapt the fastest will survive.
Ceaselessly interesting and mind-boggling.

Me I'm feeling my loss in years.
So many <9 year olds about grade 5-7 in both violin and piano.
Shit shit shit.
I hate prodigies.

Rain Makers Forever

Had some hell of a time when wind and rain struck right after our finishing of YMCA. Not the first time. Good times seem all too short for me. Pity.
Good times are now.
Me looking at the form 2s' in band, wishing I had more time to spend in the band.
You feel like yourself, no facades needed, no pretending, no secret grudges or unresolved conflict, there's some solidarity.
Heck we don't even mind our smells of sweat.
Perhaps it's because it smells of passion and perseverance?

Maybe in the future, when we each part from SSB, when we hear, see or play any one band instrument, we'll think of those fun, senseless, stupid, feckless, eventful and fun days together.
Makes me wonder if we'll ever be in contact in future,
Shall we have a band reunion?
Shall there still be unconditional bonds through music?
Or are these simply the dreams of a hopeless sentimental?
I hope not.

Imagine that moment, the last time you'll ever pick up your instrument and make some music with fellow band members, and then to never pick up the instrument ever again in future, only to imagine and relive the moments of music in recordings played by others...

Too sad to let it happen.
How many will actually continue playing their instruments in the future?

Time seems all too great a teacher, if only she doesn't kill both the dreams and memories of her students and the very memory of them.

Driven To The Edge Of Contemplation

Before this comes a phase where you like being alone.
Lots of more stages in between. But it's all irrelevant.
My titles are getting more and more non-comprehensive.

I recently read the Star and saw the comments sent via SMS by a reader that had "an hotel" in it.
And we actually learn this in kindergarten. If this is taught and the mistake is still made, will grammar education actually help improve the standards among Malaysians? All educators I know say: No.

Malaysians are pretty good at getting what we want. Only thing is sometimes what we aim for isn't enough. What's with all the memorizing in school without practical application? No one knows really how we use additional maths in reality, maybe in physics if you're an engineer, but who knows what else? Does memorizing everything by the book help us discover things? Does memorizing make us smarter?

In Seafield we don't have too many juicy tales of mishaps and follies of students, maybe the too often epic failure copulations and the way some of us treat toilets. But we have people in all forms, shapes, sizes and intelligence memorizing facts and reciting books short-term.
Objective?
To get flying colours for each and every examination. A fine goal, be assured.
.....But let the flying colours fly by each and every time, and learn absolutely nothing each year.

We produce many straight A students, but why don't their results reflect their capabilities at all?
Our school system kills creativity and innovation.
Face it, embrace change, adapt, or get wiped out.